56. 201. Because no great story started with someone eating a salad. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. 179. CoolFunnyQuotes.com. Live what you love. I’m going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I’m outstanding. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. 199. I see food, and I eat it. I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”, funny proverbs in english and clean funny quotes about life, clean quotes and sayings and funny weird sayings, best phrases funny facial expressions quotes, hysterically funny quotes sayings and phrases, you’re the to my quotes funny clean quotes and sayings, cheeky sayings and quotes im so cool quotes funny what if sayings, short witty sayings funny lines to say funny catchy phrases, funny expressions to say only in america funny sayings witty catch phrases cute house sayings, cool quotes and sayings humorous sayings best funny sayings, 44 Funny Quotes & Funny Quotes About Life, 31 Funny Quotes And Sayings About Funny Memes, 79 Funny Quotes And Sayings You’re Going to Love, 11+ Funny Inspirational Quotes | Hilarious But Motivational Quote. ‘Alright, get in the basket.’. 45. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this old before. Today I was a hero. ADMIT IT You’ve done one of these: 1) Walked into a room, forgot what you needed, walked out, and then remembered. 173. – Henny Youngman I eat cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere today. – Milton Berle, 245. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. 11. 234. 270. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. 72. Sometimes, short funny quotes can help up loosen up a bit. All you need is love. Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double. 74. 143. 103. I am on a seafood diet. – Alison Boulter I tried, but they wanted cash. So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.”, “Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 105. 124. 175. 100. 55. 63. 215. No matter how bad it gets I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store. I did not trip and fall. 2. He’s dreaming too. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 227. 276. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. 30. I eat cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere today. 253. – Flip Wilson, 263. When life closes a door, just open it again. The library, because it has so many stories. 28. – George Burns, 253. 174. 34. With a cowculator. – Sam Levenson. "If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level." Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Most of all, I would like to see our people start to care for one another. 3. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am. 70. – Helen Giangregorio Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. I can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all at the same time! If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 122. 205. 155. 164. 104. 189. 182. – Wilson Mizner, 262. I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. It’s a door, that’s how they work. The rest are too expensive. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 230. 203. How is the Italian version of Christmas different? 46. 115. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 226. I just go normal from time to time. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. 172. You were too lazy to read that number. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. I thought you said extra fries. 152. … Read More... about Participate in Research. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 117. Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you. 51. – George Burns Luvze® is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Why can’t you trust an atom? You can’t have everything, where would you put it? I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 189. Steven Wright . Or simply think them silently to yourself when negative thoughts begin to chatter in your mind. At night, I can’t fall asleep. Don’t compare yourself with others, just compare your today with your yesterday. 261. 120. I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. He who laughs last didn’t get it. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, I’ll laugh at you.”, When I’m quiet, those that don’t know ME to look at Me and think I’m shy People who know Me think: OMG! 87. 46. 42. • Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. – Ann Landers My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. They log in. 116. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. – Ken Dodd, 255. I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 10. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Read the first word again. Alcohol! Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. May you live every day of your life. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. 150. Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you. Easy to read a list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. 212. When they go away, it’s a brighter day. 113. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I’m with you. 221. So far, so good. 191. 29. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 73. You definitely don’t want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 53. 75. I don’t suffer from insanity. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. I breathe in and out. Then we got some great laughable collection of very short funny quotes about life that you can share with your friends to make them laugh. Really? 274. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. I don’t need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Finding it tough to laugh because of toxic people? Your email address will not be published. 116. 54. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 32. 140. 17. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. – Robert A. Heinlein, 243. Because it was soda pressing. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 90. 194. 228. – Steve Martin 164. – Jo Deurbrouck. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see. 85. 278. 66. The more absurd and wiseass they are, the better, I … I did not trip and fall. I tell you what always catches my eye. 39. 77. Short Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings “The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.” —Ben Hogan “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” —Mark Twain “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” —Ben Hogan “Most people play a fair game of golf, If you watch them.” —Joey Adams “May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” —Ben Hogan How do trees access the internet? 118. Short, Funny, and Creative Sayings About Christmas. Why did the school kids eat their homework? I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. 158. 160. 177. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. – Bill Murray. 86. – Bill Murray, 251. 3. – Bill Murray The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. It doesn’t work if it is not open. Inspirational Funny Quotes from Movies 1. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? 5. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Friends buy you food. 262. 263. Those who snore always fall asleep first. – Paul Ehrlich, 241. 114. 163. 170. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. 260. No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store. – Jackie Collins 243. 104. – Henny Youngman, 246. Not me, but somebody does. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but I’m still going to keep looking. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I thought you said extra fries. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. 251. 174. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. Your email address will not be published. Yeah, so is a grenade. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got. 27. A gummy bear. Best friends eat your food. 39. 142. 51. Snowballs. – Dave Barry. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. What is Mozart doing right now? – Albert Einstein, 190. 72. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and I’m not afraid to use it. Never judge a book by its movie. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. 81. 107. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. I love my job only when I’m on vacation. – Albert King If you are a fan of Spider Man, you may be familiar with these quotes. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition. 118. No, but April may. 86. – P.D. I breathe in and out. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. – Bill Murray 55. East. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. – Albert Einstein It’s not important to win, it’s important to make the other guy lose. Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. A compilation of funny sayings and short puns - keen and winged words of wisdom - This list can be an inspiration for speeches, letters, greeting cards, weddings, birthdays, and goodbye / farewell. 17. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 202. 33. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. You might also like to read; Top 71 Funny Quotes By Mark Twain; Top 16 Funny Quotes About Love; Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes (Special Collection) Very short funny quotes about life by famous authors. Your email address will not be published. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. 180. 193. – Frances McDormand 101. The rest are too expensive. 59. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 6. Why is England the wettest country? 123. – Bill Murray Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. The list of people I plan to haunt gets bigger every day.”, “Research has shown that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. Exercise? Enjoy! Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but I’m still going to keep looking. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 108. Because they make up everything. – Stuart Turner, 247. 36. Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Sorry, I didn’t pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. 224. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. 157. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 97. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. 183. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 40. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need. Swimming trunks. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Take a quick look at our funny memes to find several cool humorous quotes right now. 133. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 217. 227. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Inspirational, Christmas, Sarcastic. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. Every day you hear people saying what they want. 105. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop. 119. What is Mozart doing right now? Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. facebook; twitter; googleplus; Light travels faster than sound. – Pat Sajak, 41. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 225. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 213. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car. No, but April may. Because seven “ate” nine. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Papercut: A tree’s final moment of revenge. 84. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. 170. 12. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. – Chris Rock Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? So I’m not fat, I’m just really intelligent and my head couldn’t hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me! 145. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. It’s okay, he woke up. 255. What do computers eat for a snack? The best things in life are free. 151. 187. Go to table of contents. 88. 100 Christmas Quotes. 98. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. It’s scary when it disappears. Funny quote about coronavirus outbreak and toilet paper crisis. 228. 96. What is the tallest building in the entire world? 168. See more ideas about cute quotes, short quotes, quotes. He who laughs last didn’t get it. Life’s biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don’t want to get out of bed. “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”. 210. Yeah, so is a grenade. Do crabs think we walk sideways? 62. 138. With age comes skills, It’s called multi-tasking. 168. – Franklin Jones, 259. There’s life without Facebook and internet? My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Why do they put pizza in a square box? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. Why did the school kids eat their homework? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? short funny quotes sayings “Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. 111. 135. – Cindy from Marzahn 249. Best friends eat your food. – Charles M. Schulz Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. – Lily Tomlin, 242. Nothing, they just waved. How do you count cows? I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Short people with an umbrella. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. Run. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition. Its called respect. 181. 7. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. – Flip Wilson Why was six scared of seven? 254. Decomposing. 1971 Copy quote. 134. Anonymous. Art doesn’t transform. I intend to live forever. 277. 131. Because he was always spotted. “Real girls are … – Steven Wright 258. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. Decomposing. This is a great one to add to your flying short funny stories collection to use to strike up a conversation with a stranger. 222. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 78. 43. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. 231. Best Funny Quotes, Hilarious Sayings, Amusing Words With age comes skills, It’s called multi-tasking. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Bill Murray. 154. The obstacle is the path. 38. Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you. You can only be young once. When they go away, it’s a brighter day. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 67. 273. 249. There’s no stopping me now. Life is always rocky when you’re a gem. – Steven Wright, 252. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 52. You can write them down and use them whenever you’re attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. 58. – Gary Delaney Friends buy you food. 99. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 119. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn’t contain any calories. 137. I want children with no families to be adopted. 107. 14. 200. 197. I am too lazy to be lazy. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. Just like every Monday does on Earth. – Erma Bombeck. 127. 9. 117. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 230. – Billie Burke. No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store. Like a road, it has many bends, ups and down, but that’s its beauty. “My dream job would be the karma delivery service.”. Nobody gets out alive anyway. I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. 185. 267. 247. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 27. 5)Tried to balance the light, between the ON & OFF. – Steven Alexander Wright. For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. Well, this is what I want, I want people who are sick to be healed. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog. 208. They planet. I tried, but they wanted cash. 276. – Mark Twain #2. 96% Funny 98% Sexy and 100% sweet so don’t lose me!.”, “I’m a pretty nice person, but I also realize that if there were an asshole championship, I would place respectfully in my weight division.”. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 69. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. First in line is a compilation of inspirational and funny quotes from movies. I see food, and I eat it. I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to. Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. What do you call a bear with no teeth? If at first, you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving. It has nothing new to tell you. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. It’s scary when it disappears. 109. – Paul Ehrlich 192. 191. 2. I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 171. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 64. 218. It’s not important to win, it’s important to make the other guy lose. You wanna know who I’m in love with? What did one ocean say to the other ocean? I don’t mind and you don’t matter.” I … 80. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Don’t be humble, you’re not that great. I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. she’s Thinking! The more absurd and wiseass they are, the better, I say. You wanna know who I’m in love with? 68. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 217. say ’yes sir’ and ’no sir’ and help others when they need me to, not stand on the sidelines and watch. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me, I can’t force you to be right. 259. Honolulu, it’s got everything. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said ’’Thank you”. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 2) when you were younger, drew the sun in the corner of the paper 3) When you Were little, thought the shape of a real heart was actually 4/Closed the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off. Never take life seriously. I just go normal from time to time. 201. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it. Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday. 33. Short Cute Status Quotes. 140. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Mailbox. 41+ of our best funny witty quotes. – Bill Murray 251. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure you’re actually funny. 272. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 114. What do I do for a living? Funny poster about a slight economic balance between countries. Here we have collected short funny quotes and sayings which can help you be happier and help you feel better. 158. Perfect for sharing, blogging, and tweeting. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. 138. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn’t seen my big screen TV. I never apologize. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 193. 160. I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 242. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. You definitely don’t want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 154. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 278. 70. I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 47. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Because it was soda pressing. 92. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. 143. Our collection of short funny quotes which are short, straight to your head and mind-blowing. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. All of them are perfect for cards, gifts, crafts, and anything else Christmas-related. Funny Quotes And Sayings Short funny Words “Life is not always perfect. Home: Where you can say anything you […] Jun 11, 2020 - Explore Kaitlyn Midgley's board "Cute short sayings" on Pinterest. 235. Top 21 Short Funny Quotes Anyone Can Remember “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant #1. 133. Short Funny Quotes. 209. 169. 233. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Papercut: A tree’s final moment of revenge. 214. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 159. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. Learn sign language, it’s very handy. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 94. Do, or do not. 1. 185. – Steve Martin, 254. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 62. When life closes a door, just open it again. What do I do for a living? A mind is like a parachute. Don't be stupid, it might make you famous. Why can’t you trust an atom? 169. 38. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 75. 126. He’s dreaming too. Best quotes about funny and Sayings “Your secrets are safe with me… I wasn’t even listening. In the morning, I can’t get up. It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. 26. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 272. Relax, it’s the weekend, just don’t blink or it will be all over. 91. I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 89. Life is always rocky when you’re a gem. 239. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. Read the first word again. 149. Envelope. I wish my wallet came with free refills. 121. 52. 271. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 277. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 214. 14. – Frances McDormand, 42. 13. 148. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. 82. 275. But you can always be immature.
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